Mortgages

Mortgages Are Sweet

You heard it here, folks. Mortgages are sweet. In a statement released by the Pentagon, it has been confirmed that after $7 billion worth of research and field studies, mortgages are officially sweet. This puts an end to long dark years of speculation and doubt, an issue that has divided America and set us on the brink of home loan Civil War. If not for the authoritatively true sweetness of the mortgage, the report states, the Western world would have faced catastrophic floods as a result of melting ice caps, nuclear war, and widespread famine. Especially in California where the struggle for California mortgages would have killed many and led to the state's harboring nuclear weapons to protect their neighbors in Oregon and Nevada from invading and trying to steal their goods.

And by goods, we mean mortgages.

Mortgages and the U.S.

Thank God for this report, because if the issue had gone on any longer then Gov. Arnold would have gotten pretty pissed. He might have decided to fire nuclear mortgages into the Midwest and poison the home equity they've worked decades to build up. Missouri would have been pissed. A lot of people in Missouri believed that mortgages weren't sweet, as opposed to Gov. Arnold's staunch mortgages-as-sweet position.

If not for the report then the streets of Lexington, Kentucky would now be covered in the blood of children killed by bad credit mortgages. The cornfields of Des Moines, Iowa would be choked with the draught caused by misused and stolen mortgages.

This is the end of our long national nightmare - long live home loans in all their radical glory!

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